Sick of it

This past month I have been battling for my health. Within these 30 days I have had to deal with a failed kidney stone procedure, acute colitis, a stomach bug, open sores, and some sort of upper respiratory bug (possible Covid) with all the accompanying congestion, fevers etc. My body has fallen apart.

In my last blog (The Shakeup) I talked about our decision to make big changes to our lives here, in order to climb out of burn-out and live more abundantly. Well, apparently those changes didn't kick-in soon enough. Once my work-life settled down a bit, my body decided it was done. Honestly it's been stressful, trying and discouraging for our whole family.

In the midst of these trials, God has been faithful to send help by way of the organization I work for, partnering churches, our friends and family. We have felt the support and prayers. We know we are not walking this road alone. My next kidney procedure, God willing, will be on Feb 1, where they will try once again to break up the large stone that is stuck half-way to my bladder.

I'm ready to move past this hellish month and start living again. I am ready to make changes, even if I don't know what those should and will be. Throughout this ordeal I have had loads of well-meaning people tell me what I am doing wrong, what I should do to flush the stone, promote a healthy gut, clear my lungs etc. Apple cider vinegar, bush tea, cranberries, tequila and lemon, essential oils, pills, tablets, herbs, papaya, you name it. I can appreciate the intention behind the suggestions, but my life and my body are unique and complex. The solution will take time, expertise and patience.

In the recovery work I am doing at Celebrate Recovery, one of the lessons is about returning to Sanity; about acknowledging that the way I am running my life has run me into the ground. It's about turning over the managing of my life to my Higher Power, who is Jesus. As much as I believe myself to be a smart and capable woman, I have run myself into the ground and it's going to be a process to find my way back to health and back to sanity.

If you feel like your body or emotions have collapsed from long-term neglect, you are not alone. This life is hard and fast and busy. It's a wonder we keep up for as long as we do! But enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm ready to turn my health over to Someone who is bigger, smarter and more able to care for me than I can care for myself. I'm choosing to trust; something that I will have to continue to choose as this journey unfolds. I'm not very good at ceding control, but I see now that my way leads to burn-out. It's time to do something different.

And no, this is not turning into a health and wellness blog. And no, I am not going to start pushing my health journey on others. I will keep sharing the journey I'm on as a sometimes reluctant, often burnt-out missionary in her 40's.

The Shakeup

Eddie and I have been sensing that a big change is coming for our family. If you've followed our updates and this blog, you know that the past 5 years have been a journey of faith, frustration, waiting and seeing God show up in unexpected ways. You have walked with us through the uncertainty of moving to Central America, the isolation of the Covid years, and you've prayed for and encouraged us along the way.

In five years we have established a life here in Belize. Our kids who were 9 and 11 when we moved are now in High School- AJ is a senior! We support our local church by leading the youth group and preaching (Eddie) once a month. Eddie leads Christian clubs at several schools, as a staff worker for International Fellowship of Evangelical Students. I am working with Agape International Missions to open the first-ever residential facility for underage survivors of sex trafficking in the country of Belize.

Despite being solidly settled here, we are sensing that God wants to shake things up. There are things behind the scenes that aren't working. Things that we know would help sustain our time here long-term. Things that we have neglected, like self-care, fundraising, and doing the internal work that God is putting his finger on.

Living in a foreign context can be exhausting, even if you've worked hard to build relationships and adapt to your new home. Self-care is important, but often takes a back seat to ministry and family responsibilities. When finances are tight, it's hard to prioritize date nights, gym memberships or family getaways, even if you know the health of your marriage and family are critical in the long-run.

I mentioned in a previous post that God has led me to join a Celebrate Recovery group, to work through habits, hurts and hang-ups that I've developed over my 43 years. If I'm going to continue living here and doing the work I'm doing, I need to be as free from baggage as possible.

Matthew 5:13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

Eddie and I have been experiencing symptoms of burn-out. We're here to make a difference, but if we lose our passion, what's the point? We need to shake things up, allow the Lord to renew us from the inside out and make changes that will sustain us emotionally, physically and spiritually for the next 5 years. We don't fully know what those changes will entail, but we are looking at our fundraising, potentially developing an advisory board, dropping this website and other changes. Please pray for us. We know that God isn't done with us in Belize and we want to adjust to any changes well. We want to thrive on the other side of this shakeup.

I Pity the Fool

2024 has been an extraordinarily difficult year for our family. I realized that the reactions I was having to hard things and difficult people were out of proportion to what they should have been. God was putting His finger on past hurts and showing me that it's time to address them. So, I started attending the Celebrate Recovery ministry at our church. In their own words, Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, Bible-based, twelve-step, eight-principle program of recovery that was designed to help people reconnect with God and heal from past hurt and pain.

Celebrate Recovery re-introduced me to the Serenity Prayer. I was very familiar with the first few lines, but not with the entirety of it. Since that first week, I've been memorizing, reciting and meditating on the Serenity Prayer throughout each day.

A big part of my discontent is my refusal to "accept hardship" and "take this sinful world... as it is." Every time something doesn't go my way, I have been fighting it. Refusing to accept reality is a losing battle and NOT a pathway to peace. No wonder I'm so exhausted from fighting!

Out of that battle against hardship emerges an ugly byproduct: self-pity. A fellow CR participant brought-up self-pity in last week's meeting and it hit me right between the eyes. All my whining, crying and complaining is less about the actual circumstances than it is about my inability to cope. So I blame others and pity myself.

It's so easy to be a victim! To not only exonerate yourself from accountability, but to seek validation and comfort from others. If I complain and whine, will they take away this discomfort? Will they have pity on me and make life easier?

I'm working on my mindset. I'm surrendering control and self-pity. Proverbs 1:7 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." So I'm a fool if, upon seeing how crippling this mindset is, I continue to wallow in it. I'm going to embrace growth, surrender control and make it my goal to stop "pitying the fool."